Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
