I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
