I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
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We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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