i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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