A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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