Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
