I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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