woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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