I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
