She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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