I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
