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Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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