apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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