my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
