all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
