i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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