is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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