allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
