i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
