This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Barsexuality is the new black.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
