you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
