In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
