Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
