Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
