I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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