my mouth tastes like poor choices
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Can Purell be used as lube?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.