if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.