I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.