Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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