btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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