i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
