God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
