Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
