You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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