I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
