that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?