So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
