Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
