i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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