you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
