Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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