Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
