I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
