You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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