I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
