You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Mom said you looked used
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
