so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
