Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you would pick up someone in the library
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
