I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize