i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
