BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
