Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
