Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
