I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
