sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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