If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
