I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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