I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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