So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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