i love accidental penises.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's never too late to be topless.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?