I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
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The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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