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Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
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